ASK April – When you’re “just not that into him”
What do you do after a date with a man when you don’t want to see him again? Maybe he’s a nice guy, the kind of guy your mother would love, but you just don’t have that special spark or chemistry? God knows, you want to like him, you really do.
Let’s be honest. He’s not sweeping you off your feet in the romance department. Do you call him back? Give him the cold hard facts? Avoid him like the plague? Give him a second date just to be sure?
It’s a tricky thing. I know how hard it is to let someone down. I also know that each and every one of us have been confused and left in the dark when a man disappeared after what seemed to be a great date. It’s a two way street.
Do you prefer that he just not tell you? Would you rather hear the cold hard truth? Would you feel better if he told you that he was seeing someone else? Going off to war?
Expecting a first date or even a second one to be the be all to end all is putting a lot of pressure on both of you. If the date was a positive experience and the man calls again, I say to definitely go for it. Relationships evolve.
Hi April,
My comments about what I do is always to be honest but gentle. I say I have enjoyed meeting but think our goals are different or our lifestyles are different, or they are very nice but no chemistry. If they are really nice and no chemistry my sister and I recycle to each other.
I met two men around the same time, and because I find it difficult to juggle men, I chose to date mr a, telling mr b I felt I had more in common with mr a. in principal I believe dating several men at the same time is better than committing to exclusivity with someone who you are still getting to know. but in practice, I am afraid to hurt feelings and be seen as a cheater, so I only date one person a a time. my question is: now that I found out mr a is not available, is there any way I can reach out to mr b to see if he’s interested in dating again? or, would it make him feel like second choice?
Betty,
Call your “Mr. B” and tell him exactly what you wrote to me. You know me, I always preach honesty! Let him know that when you met, you had just started seeing someone else and didn’t feel comfortable dating two men at the same time. Try this, but release any attachment to the outcome. You can always say you tried!
I had the situation just the other night. It was our second date – I was trying to be open-minded and give myself a chance to get to know this man, and let him get to know me. On paper he’s a great guy. For me, in person, he’s just too boring. He doesn’t have any interests or hobbies. We have nothing in common. He says he enjoys being lazy and staying home, whereas I am very active. During dinner, he kept referring to our “next” date. I considered it, trying to give him one more chance. But when he walked me to my car, I thanked him and said good night without facing him directly because I didn’t want to give him a chance to try to kiss me good night. He apparently sensed that I wasn’t head over heels, and maybe became hurt, because he walked away pretty fast, and I haven’t heard from him since.
Mutual respect is the best approach. After a date, I send an email of thanks for the time we spent together. For me it often takes a little time…if I have any doubt, I agree to a second date. I like to be gentle while being honest. Although gentle is more important to me here then honesty. I usually speak for myself without making the other wrong.
I do agree with being honest. I also believe in giving feedback. I ask the date if he would like any feedback from me about the date which might help him. If he answers “yes” I tell hime what was my experience so he can hear what impact the date had on me. I have gotten positive reponses.
I definitely enjoyed the question but more than the question, I enjoyed your answer! Keep up the fantastic work!
I thought your Video was great! I fully believe in chemistry but everyone deserves a second chance and we all have to have an open mind. Most the time the relationship we seek are a mirror of ourselves. If we respect ourselves enough we will respect our date to be honest as we would want the same honesty in return!
I loved this segment…very helpful and right on! Thank you!
You can say, “Sorry, I’m not giving you 100% and you deserve that” or “I’m sorry, I’m interested in someone else.” Short and sweet.
In the past, I have just lied and said I’ve met someone else and preferred not to date multiple men. After being told by countless men (platonic friends) that they would appreciate the truth from a woman in this situation, I just say that while I enjoyed our date, I think we are too different in our goals/interests and it wouldn’t lead to a long-term relationship.
That’s right Ellen! Men would much prefer the truth to the little white lie. Trust me, they get over it quicker than you may think! It’s the game playing that men do not like.
Somehow I purchased this ‘guy’ book called: Catch Him/Keep Him by Christen Carter providing a guy’s outlook on dating. I felt totally defeated after reading it. What does anyone think about ‘guy’ books and has anyone reviewed this one?? Thanks.
Arlene and to everyone out there getting dating advice: Know your source. Remember, the advice I give you is based on the hearts and minds of RELATIONSHIP READY men. If any book you read has caused you to feel deflated it’s most likely because it’s teaching you to be something you are not. Authenticity is key.
April,
I have been dating someone for approx. 8 months. His last relationship was very traumatic and left him very fearful of relationships in general. I have been single for six years, and have found him to be the first person that I fully enjoy dating. We have spent lots of time around each others friends, are known by each others families, and have on plenty occasions been given the key to his home. The problem is, he refuses to commit to a relationship with me. Now although I care about him deeply, I’m uncomfortable with having an “undefined” relationship. In addition, I have recently met some else that is wonderful and DOES want to put In the effort to build a committed relationship. Should I give up on a person that I feel is great for me because I’m not getting the defined relationship I want, or start something new with a person that I am not sure of yet?
Shara,
This is a good question for Ask April! You can always submit questions there on my website. In short, listen to your heart. You said you are “uncomfortable with having an undefined relationship.” That is your answer! Get in touch with who you are, what you need and deserve. Let this be your guide! Above all, respect and love yourself first. Sometimes the best thing to do is keep moving!
Hi April- Thank you so much for doing what you do!
Thanks Elizabeth!
Hi April, I just listened to your free audios and I’ve been listening to your ASK April videos and I simply loved them. THANK YOU so much for your dating advice!
I thought I would let you all know that a male client of mine saw this video and he agreed completely! It also taught him that he has “disappeared” in the past and should have just been honest and up front if there was no chemistry. Just be the example of how you would like to be treated.