This week’s question is one I’ve wanted to address for a long time. I’m so happy Karen took the time to write so I can share this with all of you here.
April, surely you have something for a middle-aged, young and sexy, black woman. It seems I am competing with young white women and in this society that can be a downer. Would you please represent us and put Steve Harvey (yuk!) out of business?
Karen, I loved your email and wanted to jump at the chance to respond. Although I cannot relate personally to your question, I do get this question a lot, and it seems that regardless of race or age, women are often looking in the mirror and comparing themselves to other women.
Which means we clearly have a much bigger issue than just race, or age.
I’ve interviewed thousands of incredible women in my career. The funny thing is a lot of them seem to think that if you’re attractive and female, you simply blend in with all the other attractive women out there. They imagine that men find all smart, attractive women to be interchangeable. It’s almost as if women aren’t giving men enough credit to know the difference!
I’m here to tell you men are much deeper, intuitive, and smarter than you might think. The man you want and need is going to be looking for someone just like you.
If you’re in your 30s, 40s or 50s and you’re a “young, sexy black woman”, then why would the man that’s right for you want a young white woman? Is it fair to say that you might be the one looking in the wrong direction, and therefore attracting the men that aren’t looking for you? Your age? Your look? Your personality? Are you perhaps looking to men who aren’t relationship ready, and who don’t know what they want? It’s a lot to think about.
When I was single, I intentionally put my blinders on when it came to other women, and only focused on what I personally had to offer a man. I knew that my guy would be looking for what I brought to the table, and I never relied on my external appearance to attract a man. My advice is for you to do the same. We are all unique women. When it comes to finding your Mr. Right, you will be perfect for each other because of your shared values, goals, chemistry and personality.
And, by the way… thank you Diane for the compliment about replacing Steve Harvey. I don’t feel that women are being accurately represented in TV land. I’ve watched the show and although fun and light, it’s just not a good representation of who women really are, what they need and how they relate to the world. I’m working on a few ideas to enlighten, engage and support women everywhere. Stay tuned!!
This is for everyone reading this: what makes you unique and lovable? Write it in a journal or put it on a sticky and keep it where you can remind yourself if you need to. Why should a man choose you over someone else? It’s vital to your relationship success that you have a full understanding of where your romantic value lies. Stop worrying about other women. Just shine in your own spotlight. He will notice. I promise!