I want to be loved.
It’s the most common request women have when they meet with me.
LOVE. Shouldn’t it be given freely? Shouldn’t you receive love simply because you’re a good person and you’re ready for it? You’d think so, but there’s a bigger piece to this, and one that’s often overlooked. It begins with asking yourself a very important question:
Am I loveable?
Before you answer, close your eyes and think. Imagine how people see and receive you. Do you come across as open, warm and accessible? Do people (especially the men you meet) feel an immediate sense of connection with you? Would another person find it easy to adore you, or do people have to earn your trust?
You see, being “loveable” means people can’t help but love you. It’s a natural feeling that grows within them. They don’t feel this because you expect it, or because you feel you deserve it. In essence, you can’t demand love, or put in on an online dating profile or wish list.
It might be hard to accept what I’m telling you, because it’s contrary to what we see in movies and on TV, but love is an inspired emotion. It doesn’t happen by accident, nor is it a magical, elusive unicorn that’s found in the stars like so many believe.
It’s real and can actually be created — by YOU.
That’s the good news!
Getting In Your Way
The bad news is that you could be unintentionally exhibiting behavior that prevents a man from being his most loving self around you, or worse, that’s keeping him from experiencing that feeling at all. There are single women all over the world who are aching to be loved, but doing absolutely nothing to inspire or create this feeling in a man.
Everyday, in interviews with single women and in my private coaching sessions, I see women presenting a list of achievements as a way of calling in a great guy. I witness the lack of knowledge about what makes them loveable, and the result is posturing, holding back, and reserving all of their wonderful qualities as a means of protecting themselves.
I also see women with tough exteriors, unable to show vulnerability, asking to be loved — as if a man has x-ray vision to see past the walls.
You can be the most attractive, charming, social, chatty and friendly woman in the room and still be overlooked, if you’re not genuinely allowing yourself to be lovable. You must be loveable in order to be loved.
Three Traits That Interfere with Love
1. Adopting a cold and distant attitude that comes from a deeper insecurity and pain
2. Being competitive ― both with men and the people around you
3. Mean, sarcastic, or negative behavior
None of this works to make you lovable, in fact, it makes it hard for a man to even truly get to know you. Why make it so difficult?
It’s who you are, how you feel about yourself, and your ability to reveal all of this that inspires a man to feel love toward you.
What You Can Do to Inspire Love
1. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. (And no, this isn’t about opening your war wounds and telling your difficult stories; Vulnerability is simply emotional honesty in it’s highest form)
2. Create a space for a man to know you quickly. Again, not your stories, but your heart.
3. Learn the art of receiving. It’s as important as the way you give!
What so often gets lost when women seek to make connections with men is remembering that men are human, too. In fact, men have the same longing as you do to express love. They want to feel that someone is open to them, interested in them, and willing to receive what they have to offer. Once you allow yourself to accept this, it should be easier to be knowable.
When in doubt, think of the people you love and reflect on the qualities they possess. You’ll quickly see how easy it is to inspire love without having to do anything other than open your heart.
Over the holidays, I want you to practice being knowable and lovable. Try learning to be comfortable in that space, and then report back and let us all know how it went!
Wishing you much love,