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Bad Boys vs. Nice Guys — Are They Really Different?

You know how it is when dating. You meet all kinds: Some men date a string of women, only looking for fun, and other men claim they just never get the girl. But — are those men really all that different from each other?

Read my response to Liz, who has a question about the kind of men she keeps finding herself with…

Hi, I’ve been reading a lot about dating, and nobody is talking about the problem I’m having. I usually get broken up with, and then often the advice given is not to choose “bad boys,” but I don’t. I like nice, kind of nerdy guys. I’m attractive, thoughtful, and certainly not clingy.

With all the complaining “nice guys” do about finishing last, once they’re in a relationship, why do they break it off? No one else, at least online, touches on this problem. Thanks, Liz

Liz, Thank you for sending your question. My initial response is that you’re taking the “bad boy” and “nerdy guy” images at face value.

Men of All Kinds Come In All Packages

A nice, nerdy guy can still make bad choices. Don’t be fooled by outside appearances, or the fact that you’re party to the lamenting and complaining. In fact, how a man feels about his position in life and yes, sometimes his looks, can actually make him less likely to commit.

Men and women alike have to feel great about themselves in order to give up the attention from the opposite sex once a relationship has been found. Just like Ryan Gosling’s character in Crazy, Stupid, Love. He was a total “player,” but when he found a woman that he connected with, we saw a man of heartfelt devotion, vulnerability and character. Never judge a book by its cover!

The Heart of the Problem

In my work, I hear the day-to-day complaints from both women and men about how they continue to run into the same issue: meeting people who aren’t ready.

Shakespeare said it best — “The lady (or in some cases, the gentleman) doth protest too much, methinks.” Meaning, if you (or the guys you know) complain of meeting people who can’t commit, then those are the people you (or they) are drawing in, and attracted to.

It’s really that simple.

Bad boys, if you believe in such thing, can still look and appear nerdy, or not that attractive. And no one stays a bad boy forever. (All too often women throw men under the bus for simply enjoying their single journey). When a man doesn’t commit — whether he’s a classic player or a nerdy-type — he’s either not ready or not interested.

It doesn’t make him a bad boy, either way. Everyone has their own path and journey to pairing off.

Who Finishes First?

Here’s the truth about authentic love: nice guys do not finish last. In the world of real, mature relationships, they finish first, just as nice girls do.

Liz, I encourage you to think more deeply on this subject and, instead of listening to the words and cries from these “nice guys,” start to observe their behavior instead. The first question to ask yourself (not him) is, “has he dated anyone like me before?”

Knowing if a man has prior relationship experience with a nice and lovely woman like yourself will help you navigate the waters. If he’s only dated women who left him lonely and hurt him, then you might be dating a man who actually wasn’t ready to begin with. Remember, he chose those women, and choice is a cold water splash in the face of reality. It’s where the truth lies — in our choices, not in our complaints and constant lamenting.

I hope this was helpful Liz. And, to all of my Sparks! readers, I would love for you to share your insights on this topic…

What About Your Choices?

Here’s a question for you to answer in the comments section below: “Do your choices in men reflect what you truly want and need in a relationship?” Be candid here folks. No judgement or right or wrong here. Everyone can learn from your wisdom and experience!

Much love,

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