Let’s take a look at what can make or break a first date. I’ve listened to thousands of post-date stories from my clients, and most of the time people have the same two reactions to their experiences, depending on the outcome. If the date is successful, they are elated. If it all goes wrong? They are mystified.
So, what’s the difference? Believe it or not, the two reactions hold the key.
It all comes down to awareness. If you’re surprised by the outcome of a date, if you have no idea what your date thought of you or whether or not he liked you, then you weren’t really on that date. Well, you were there, just not in full. Perhaps you didn’t express or reveal certain things because you feared it was TMI territory, or you were worried about the image you were presenting. Maybe you wanted to ask an important question but thought it was too personal.
Whatever the details, the underlying reason dates fail is over-thinking and holding back. Just be you and be in the moment. Focus on getting to know the other person, who is sharing this moment with you.
And by all means, if you’re curious about something, go ahead and ask! Remember, it’s not what you ask, it’s how you ask. A question wrapped in warm fuzzy blanket of genuine interest will always go over well!
Last week I told you how to find out if a man is compatible with you and how to learn if he’s truly ready to be in a serious relationship. This week, I’m showing you how to discover if he shares your family values and if he’s completely over his ex. These are very touchy subjects but let’s face it. You want to know!
7. To Find Out If He’s Over His Ex
When did your last relationship end? Most people will tell you not to talk about past relationships on a date, but I say otherwise. As a Matchmaker I’ve met with thousands of men and I have to ask about their relationship history. I’ve yet to meet a man who didn’t open and up and give me the tell all.
Believe it or not, a date is not much different. I build trust with these men and so can you. You just don’t want to make the evening all about former relationships.
Is he divorced? Ask how long they’ve been separated. Don’t just listen to his words. Look at his face. Does he look pained? Relieved? Clear? There are a million expressions and tiny moments in each minute. Pay attention. If he seems open to talking about it, you can inquire about what worked and what didn’t. By doing that you find out if you have the qualities that he’s looking for – or the ones he’s trying to avoid.
And here’s something important to remember: every man is different, so therefore the timing of healing after a break up will vary. It all boils down to the length and quality of his last relationship. If he tells you it was a nice relationship, but the love and passion was missing, he’s most likely ready to have that now.
8. To Find Out If He Shares Your Family Values
What was your childhood like? When I interview people I spend about 70% of the time talking about their families and how they grew up. You can learn a lot with this question and you’ll get good insight into the dynamic between his parents (and his siblings if he has them). Keep in mind, this isn’t to find out if he had the perfect childhood, so be careful that you aren’t qualifying or judging. Perhaps you didn’t have a Brady Bunch beginning and you want to know how well he can handle your situation. Your goal is to learn more about him, that’s all. Done right, this one question will open up to about 20 other compelling questions!
Always remember that a date is simply an opportunity to get to know another human being. Lose your attachment to the outcome and let yourself be. And enjoy yourself! If you provide a safe and easy environment for a man to reveal himself, he’ll be wanting to see you again. Of course, in doing this, the questions will be just as real for you! So be ready to share. Stay open, listen with more than your ears, and above all, have fun!
This wraps up my month long series. You don’t have to ask all of these questions on the same date, of course! But this gives you a range of options you can draw on that will allow you to both connect on a deeper level, and avoid seeming invasive, as you try to learn more about him.
I hope you’ve enjoyed Eight Questions to Ask on a First Date, and if you missed the previous six questions CLICK HERE, and be sure to go back to the other February installments of the Sparks! Friday Takeaway.
P.S. As you know I’ve been an exclusive Matchmaker for 15 years and founder of Beyer & Company where I consult for the country’s most influential marriage-minded men. Here is your opportunity to complete a private & confidential dating profile for my network of amazing women at no charge. Take a look to learn more and sign up for free today!