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How Soon is Too Soon to Talk About Exclusivity?

You’ve been dating a guy for a few weeks and already you can feel yourself putting all of your time, focus and energy on him. It’s an exciting time, the chemistry is soaring and the topic of sex will soon be on the table. You’d love to know whether or not the relationship is ready to be exclusive. After all, it’s the only way you’ll be able to fully open your heart and consider an intimate relationship.

The problem with most “are we exclusive” conversations, is that they’re based on two things:

Sex and fear.

You want to know if he’s seeing you and only you. Not knowing causes all kinds of fear-based chaos (not to mention late night texting and chats with your girlfriends).

Most people do this out of order. Sex first, hoping it’s exclusive, and then hoping for the best when the conversation comes up. After all, it’s only been a few short weeks. You’d feel silly asking him if he’s still seeing other women, but then again, shouldn’t you know this before you hop into the sack? Especially if a significant relationship is what you want?

I think we all can agree that no great decisions have ever been made based on fear, no matter what subject we’re talking about. If you feel inclined to ask a man about being exclusive, make sure it’s because you feel ready for exclusivity, and not because you’re worried about him dating others.

The smartest way to go about this is to pay attention to the signs. This means, behavior, consistency, and how this man treats you. If you’re truly in sync and connected, you won’t even have to bring up the subject. You’ll just know and if he’s truly interested and ready; believe me, he will make his intentions clear.

Usually, when you have to ask, there’s a reason. And quite often it’s because he’s unsure, or still dating other people.

If you have this feeling, then trust yourself. Go with your instincts instead of only deciding what to do based on his answer.

Now, for the other motivator for this conversation. Sex.

Before you take it to the next level with this guy, you want to know if he has other sexual partners. Who wouldn’t want to know this?

Here’s the problem: Men don’t suddenly commit to one woman because he wants to have sex with her. To a man, it’s simply sex. What separates the sex from the real relationship is a man who actually cares about you, wants to get to know you and feels he’s met the woman he wants to focus on.

Every man I have worked with who met his wife through me, made his wishes and intentions clear right away.

In fact, they were the side of the couple asking the woman to stop dating other people. Men who are ready just know. So don’t go looking for difficult conversations, unless you really know what you’re doing.

Trust yourself, have confidence, speak your heart, but above all, listen to your intuition.

Next week on Sparks!, I’m going to discuss what you can look for to decide when it’s the right time to have sex with a new partner. I’m not saying it’s a good or a bad thing, but I want to make sure you know how to ask yourself all the right questions. Healthy dating habits maintain your self-esteem and confidence—two of your most valuable assets, so be sure to never give them away.

Have a wonderful weekend!

April Beyer Signature

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