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Is He Really Ready to Settle Down?

Why did it end? This is a question many of us can’t help but ask ourselves when a relationship comes to a close. Melissa is struggling with a familiar variation of this very question; one that I hope she’ll soon move past.

April, I know there are always exceptions and different types of men, but do you find that men settle down when they are ready? Or do men settle down when they meet “the one?” My last boyfriend would repeatedly tell me that he was ready to settle down and sick of the single life, and yet he continued to go out without me, and would even go away on weekend trips with his friends without me.

Needless to say, we didn’t last (less than nine months), and I tell myself that he wasn’t ready to commit. But more likely, could it be that he didn’t want to commit to me?

Melissa, your question reminds me of the scene in the movie “When Harry Met Sally” when Meg Ryan is crying after finding out her ex is getting married. Remember what she says? “It’s not that he didn’t want to get married. He just didn’t want to marry me.”

It’s a touching, painful and familiar moment for all of us ladies watching the movie. We’ve each wondered about this at different times in our lives.

But here’s the bottom line: It really doesn’t matter. All that ultimately matters is you getting the wonderful relationship, love and commitment you want. It won’t serve you to torture yourself over the why in this past situation. The outcome will still be the same.

When I’m bringing happy couples together in marriage, I have the greatest success when working with men who are desirous of a relationship and who want marriage. It makes my job much easier. But that doesn’t mean it’s a walk in the park. A man can be ready to commit but he’ll continue to date or hang out with friends because he simply hasn’t met the one woman who inspires that next step. In other words, all of my clients want to settle down, but that doesn’t mean they pick the first decent woman who comes along.

I will say that the fact that you spent nine months in your relationship and he went away on weekends without you indicates he most likely was not in the space for making his relationship a priority. Men who spend time in long relationships while acting single are indicating that they are not sure, and this tells me he is not ready to leave one world for another.

Your job as a woman (and this true of every woman reading this), is to take care of yourself. Watch for the signs if a man seems ambivalent, and get in touch with what you, personally, want and need to be happy and fulfilled. Too much time and energy is spent wondering “was it me or him” and at the end of the day, it’s neither. Timing is truly everything, and until you have a relationship where someone is running to meet you half way, you have a responsibility to yourself to keep moving.

Not every relationship is meant to go the distance. It’s called dating! Enjoy the journey and the process without the constant questions of where something is going. One day you’ll find “the one” and any pain and frustration that comes with being single will be a distant memory. But in the meantime, make the most of the moment!

Have a great 4th everyone!

April Beyer Signature

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