It’s not always easy to accept, but we each attract exactly who and what we’re ready for at any given time in our lives. If you aren’t getting what you want from the men you’ve been dating, my advice to Ginell will resonate with you. Here’s her question:
Since my divorce 3 years ago I’ve noticed that I keep falling for emotionally unavailable men. I’m afraid of being let down again and having to settle for less than what I want. Also, I’m afraid of having to compromise my values and my integrity like I had to do to stay in my previous relationships. I yearn for a loving, intimate relationship. I want to get remarried and have a family. My biological clock is ticking!
Ginell, I know you want a loving and intimate relationship, but have you considered that you simply aren’t ready for that just yet? It seems that what you’re most afraid of—being let down and settling for less—is exactly what’s happening here.
If you’re attracting and falling for emotionally unavailable men, then you’re definitely compromising your values and integrity. My advice is to take a step back from dating, just for a while. Spend time investigating and rediscovering who you are and what’s most important to you. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s exactly what you need. Otherwise, you’ll set a pattern and dating will become arduous and painful.
Start Asking Yourself the Deeper Questions
Preparation will guarantee success for most things in life, and your personal life should be the #1 thing you prepare for. A quality man will need you to be absolutely confident about who you are, what you have to give to a partner, and how he can love and give to you (what you’re ready to receive from a partner). Your biological clock is real but should never be the driver for getting involved with a man. You being a complete, fully developed, confident woman is what is most important.
My 10 Questions For Assessing the Situation:
1. How did you compromise your values/integrity in the past?
2. Why did you compromise? Out of fear of being alone or speaking up?
3. How can you ensure you won’t do that again with the next man you meet?
4. How ready do you think you are for a committed long-term relationship?
5. Do you feel happy and complete without being in a relationship?
6. How much love and attention do you need from a man?
7. Are you willing to stop dating someone if you don’t receive what you need?
8. What are most afraid of? If it were to happen, what is the worst case scenario?
9. How can a man show you that he’s emotionally available?
10. Are you able to articulate what you want and need in a clear and positive way?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, Ginell. And the same goes for anyone reading this who’s found themselves in a relationship with a man who just wasn’t emotionally available. Did you leave? If not, how did you change the situation?